Being True to Myself....
So, for all of you who have been wondering about my personal reality of what I was doing, this post will attempt to give you that.
My ex-boss- many of you would have heard his name, and some of you may have seen his films as well. They will tell you about his sensitivity as a filmmaker, his compassion towards other people, his courage in voicing the truth and his honesty. This is what his films will tell you about the Director. But did anyone tell you about his anger management problem, his insensitivity towards those who put in blood and sweat to make sure he can exhibit what he set out to, his lack of respect, class and grace, and the fact that he can be a total monster? This is what I will tell you about the Person. Because of his professional qualities, the workplace had become a zone wherein people walked in bright eyed and bushy tailed, and walked out with their tails between their legs. Hold on, I take the first bit of the last sentence back- nobody walks in there bright eyed and bushy tailed anymore. Because everyone who works there (save the director himself) is seriously sleep deprived. People are slowly realizing that in order to get their 4-6 hours of kip each night, they should abandon their comfy beds at home and make friends with the couches in office.
Hard work is something I have no problem with, the fact that my average workday was a 16-18 hour one is ample proof of that. What I have a problem with is when people start believing that they have a right to those 16 hours a day, and forget that it's a favour being extended to them. What I have serious issues with is when people think its all right to walk all over you; that you'll let them. When people reward your dedication with abusive behaviour, bordering on personal vendettas. That fact that it wouldn’t float with me had been made amply clear to him (unfortunately this workplace doesn't specialise in people with backbones, so I often found myself standing alone against the exploitation) but yet there was the pressure. Each day was a fight…for survival.
So what kept me from quitting? Well, the fact that I am passionate about the subject, the fact that I feel committed to making a difference, the fact that I'm alert as alert can be when in the edit room, despite 2 hours of rest the previous night, the fact that I'd already been there this long and come this far….to quit now would be a pity. But on the other hand…there's the advice I give my friends when they're in a spot- "Your first responsibility is to yourself". I truly believe that- nobody is going to look out for you and take care of you; its something you have to learn to do yourself. But to follow that advice would have meant not only leaving an assignment midway; it would have meant a lot more things. It would have meant not being able to finish what I started, letting someone else have what was rightfully mine, and it would have meant that the past 4 months were a waste.
So what made me quit? Well, I thought long and hard about what I was doing there- the battle I was fighting. I was helping fight an oppressive govt who treated its citizens unfairly, who withheld their rights from them. I had met oppressed people, I had met fighters, I had met fence sitters and I had met brave, principled people during the 4 months I worked on the film. And that’s when I realized……I could never fight for someone else’s rights if I didn’t have it in me to fight for mine first. I had to fight the oppression in my own world before I could claim to fight it in someone else’s. I couldn’t be a beaten wife, fighting domestic violence. I couldn’t be an oxymoron. And I certainly couldn’t compromise on dignity and principles. I wasn’t brought up to believe that was okay. So I took the call of standing by my principles and values, and fighting my own battle. And what a fight it was! It’s been almost a week since I resigned, and I’m still fighting it. It was no surprise to me that the Director played dirty with me when I resigned, tried to brow beat me into various things and turned the office into a venue for ugliness and unpleasant yelling matches. However, they were things that had to be done; it was a step I had to take, and take it I did. Yes, there is sadness, and there is the feeling of “what if”. But there is also satisfaction. Satisfaction that I had the courage, satisfaction that I stood up for myself and what I believed in, satisfaction that I didn’t cave in when it was the easier thing to do. And satisfaction that I did my best to make it work. It may seem like I don't have much to show for the 4 months I spent on this film, but the truth is, I do. I know that I am not superficial, that I practice what I preach, that I have clarity and conviction. And now everyone else knows it too. I know that what I stand for is something I’m willing to fight for, come what may- and that is non-negotiable.
I took my own advice when it was bloody hard to- I fulfilled my responsibility to myself.
My ex-boss- many of you would have heard his name, and some of you may have seen his films as well. They will tell you about his sensitivity as a filmmaker, his compassion towards other people, his courage in voicing the truth and his honesty. This is what his films will tell you about the Director. But did anyone tell you about his anger management problem, his insensitivity towards those who put in blood and sweat to make sure he can exhibit what he set out to, his lack of respect, class and grace, and the fact that he can be a total monster? This is what I will tell you about the Person. Because of his professional qualities, the workplace had become a zone wherein people walked in bright eyed and bushy tailed, and walked out with their tails between their legs. Hold on, I take the first bit of the last sentence back- nobody walks in there bright eyed and bushy tailed anymore. Because everyone who works there (save the director himself) is seriously sleep deprived. People are slowly realizing that in order to get their 4-6 hours of kip each night, they should abandon their comfy beds at home and make friends with the couches in office.
Hard work is something I have no problem with, the fact that my average workday was a 16-18 hour one is ample proof of that. What I have a problem with is when people start believing that they have a right to those 16 hours a day, and forget that it's a favour being extended to them. What I have serious issues with is when people think its all right to walk all over you; that you'll let them. When people reward your dedication with abusive behaviour, bordering on personal vendettas. That fact that it wouldn’t float with me had been made amply clear to him (unfortunately this workplace doesn't specialise in people with backbones, so I often found myself standing alone against the exploitation) but yet there was the pressure. Each day was a fight…for survival.
So what kept me from quitting? Well, the fact that I am passionate about the subject, the fact that I feel committed to making a difference, the fact that I'm alert as alert can be when in the edit room, despite 2 hours of rest the previous night, the fact that I'd already been there this long and come this far….to quit now would be a pity. But on the other hand…there's the advice I give my friends when they're in a spot- "Your first responsibility is to yourself". I truly believe that- nobody is going to look out for you and take care of you; its something you have to learn to do yourself. But to follow that advice would have meant not only leaving an assignment midway; it would have meant a lot more things. It would have meant not being able to finish what I started, letting someone else have what was rightfully mine, and it would have meant that the past 4 months were a waste.
So what made me quit? Well, I thought long and hard about what I was doing there- the battle I was fighting. I was helping fight an oppressive govt who treated its citizens unfairly, who withheld their rights from them. I had met oppressed people, I had met fighters, I had met fence sitters and I had met brave, principled people during the 4 months I worked on the film. And that’s when I realized……I could never fight for someone else’s rights if I didn’t have it in me to fight for mine first. I had to fight the oppression in my own world before I could claim to fight it in someone else’s. I couldn’t be a beaten wife, fighting domestic violence. I couldn’t be an oxymoron. And I certainly couldn’t compromise on dignity and principles. I wasn’t brought up to believe that was okay. So I took the call of standing by my principles and values, and fighting my own battle. And what a fight it was! It’s been almost a week since I resigned, and I’m still fighting it. It was no surprise to me that the Director played dirty with me when I resigned, tried to brow beat me into various things and turned the office into a venue for ugliness and unpleasant yelling matches. However, they were things that had to be done; it was a step I had to take, and take it I did. Yes, there is sadness, and there is the feeling of “what if”. But there is also satisfaction. Satisfaction that I had the courage, satisfaction that I stood up for myself and what I believed in, satisfaction that I didn’t cave in when it was the easier thing to do. And satisfaction that I did my best to make it work. It may seem like I don't have much to show for the 4 months I spent on this film, but the truth is, I do. I know that I am not superficial, that I practice what I preach, that I have clarity and conviction. And now everyone else knows it too. I know that what I stand for is something I’m willing to fight for, come what may- and that is non-negotiable.
I took my own advice when it was bloody hard to- I fulfilled my responsibility to myself.
posted by Mojo | 1:15 PM
12 Comments:
lv
A lesson is repeated until learned.
A lesson is repeated until learned
"I couldn’t be a beaten wife, fighting domestic violence. I couldn’t be an oxymoron. And I certainly couldn’t compromise on dignity and principles."
Hey Insi, good you took the step you thought was right. When your conscience tells you you are right, you most definitely are...
Reminds me of something I did 2 years back at IRD!!! I still feel proud of what I did cos it was "The Right Step" for my personal well-being, whatever others may say or think.
Good Luck. I am sure there are much better times and things in store for you.
tc.
When you are angry, you have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give you the right to be cruel.
Take a break.
...why are ppl posting as annonymous...?
nt bad...i hope the concerned people read it...n do what they are supposed to do...lv
Anonymous- I am pleased to report that there was no shred of cruelty from me. The break is being taken- I'm currently in Delhi soaking in the feeling of having days to myself.
Nanz- Its a good feeling, isnt it? And the fact that my resignation was followed by 4 more is a touching as well as validating fact.
To practise what you preach is indeed tough, and it was a brave decesion to quit. An outsider's feedback - the blog is written for an audience that knows you, not enough ground work for a lay person who just happens to read this blog and this blog alone. Same feedback for the newest post. Too many references to other people which are not elaborated upon, which makes it difficult to relate.
Well as i have always said that its the contribution that matters and not the time frame. The more u put in the more u can reap, well thats true for sure, but the fact also remains that ur cause is not completely lost. Where theres a will theres a way. So keep the faith going and ull find urself at it again. Also whether its about fighting for ur people or fighting for urself, i want u to know that im proud of u either way.
"...the fact that my resignation was followed by 4 more..."
Really? That means they stuck around just for you dear ;-)
What matters is that you should believe, that the 4 months spent was not a lost cause. If we cant stand for ourselves then there is no chance of us standing for others. I truly do believe that what you did was the best possible thing to do; given the circumstance. The cause is still not defeated and you surely will get another shot at it, if you feel all so passionately about it.
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